Finding the root cause

Now that we understand anger as a secondary emotion, how can we find the primary? There is no question that this can be challenging, especially when we are used to showing and expressing emotions as anger. But what steps can we take? The very first step one needs to take is make sure that they are de-escalated. Each person has their baseline functioning, which is the natural state one is at when not feeling large amounts of distress. If we become above our baseline, we will have difficulty seeing any other alternative than anger due to being heightened from the situation. There are many different ways one can cope to get back to their baseline functioning. From walking away, to deep breaths, to mindfulness activities, and more, it is important to start at decompressing to get back to the baseline.

Once we are at our baseline functioning it is the perfect time to take the step back to determine what we were actually feeling in the scenario. Talking through the event that heightened us is a great way to assist with reading what our trigger was that caused us distress. Once we can determine what the trigger is, we can better determine what the actual emotion is. Once that emotion is discovered, lets take steps to honor that emotion. Maybe we are feeling hurt and need to communicate it with the who caused us pain. Maybe we are stressed and need to delegate task to others. Or maybe we are tired and simply need more rest. Honoring each emotion will assist with gaining conflict resolution compared to going into an unhealthy cycle of projecting our emotions onto others.

Understanding emotions can be hard. Expressing our emotions can be even more challenging. This may feel overwhelming and scary, you’re not alone. Making changes such as these is switching ones “normal” thinking patterns. Remember, change can be uncomfortable. Getting towards a place of change can offer comfort as we learn to express ourselves in healthy ways.